A Part of Her
Every day
She sits in the corner
Lip bitten
Not knowing what to say
Her shyness palpable
Everyday
A part of her aches
Aches to reach out
Aches to touch
Everyday
A part of her
Dares to wonder
His thoughts
Dares to imagine
His touch
Everyday
She sits in the corner
Any corner
Any shadow
A tight rein
Holding desperately
Tightly
Possessively
To the aching
The wondering
The daring to imagine
Holding tight
Not sure if she should
Not sure if she could
Give it a go.
BeB
12/30/08
Standing in the corner
Standing in the shadows
She watches him intently
Willing him to look up
Willing him to smile
Willing him to notice
If only for a few minutes.
BeB
12/30/08
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
So here's the thing - overall I had a really fantastic weekend. i got every thing I asked for for Christmas.
Spent a very relaxing few days with my sister and our parents. Got the laundry done - FINALLY.... started a new book and even though I still cannot figure out how to fix the computer that I crashed I still didn't curse at it or threaten to throw it out of the window like last time. I'm not sure how productive I've been today - while I'm getting the masses of work off my desk slowly and steadily I'm still seeing that pile of invoices taunting me while getting higher and higher (in height as in more invoices - not in the state of mind). It's beautiful outside, warm, sunny w/ a slight breeze. There's been some nice jokes and a few secret (hopefully) subtle glances on my part. Not sure if he noticed or not.
Still I've got things on my mind. For some reason they are unshakable and I'm a bit grateful they are not too heavy. Isn't it just a bit too early for heavy thoughts yet? I wish I were at the beach, a nice quiet secluded beach. Bare feet sinking into wet sand, the sound of the ocean crashing on shore, the call of the seagulls, the smell of the salt water. I could figure out my thoughts and worries, my wonderings and what ifs and should I's. I mean really should I?! And if so, how much? To what extent?! Every fiber in my body wants to. yeah... how secretive am I being.... so much. I find that I can really talk to him. About real things and I've found that I feel better, more calm after talking to him. Whether he's got the answer or not. I find myself wanting to hug him - the good strong hugs that mean something.
I can't help but wonder if he knows. If at all? I can't help but wonder what he'd say if I just came out said "So uh... basically I kinda like you..." I wonder.
Thinking of calm and peace and serene - since I'm not at the ocean I have a lovely majestic ocean scene for my desktop and that helps. I find I need that from time to time. To have serenity to look at, I can hear it smell it taste it feel it in my mind's eye. I also find my bedroom to be a place of calm and peace. Something about the colors of the room, the bookshelf stacked w/ books of photos, poets words, my words, pastels, crayons, colored pencils, sketch pad after sketch pad, notebook after notebook, my painted wooden chest with the "grateful" list in it. The tv that is probably older than me sitting in the corner. Something about my room - I can sit on my bed and stare at the thomas kinkade pictures and dream or figure things out or just mellow out. I love that.
I feel certain I had more things to discuss, In fact I'm almost positive I did. It seems to have slipped out the other ear....onto the desk and into the trashcan. I've got nothing left. Just images of the beach and him. that's it. Hmmmmm
Spent a very relaxing few days with my sister and our parents. Got the laundry done - FINALLY.... started a new book and even though I still cannot figure out how to fix the computer that I crashed I still didn't curse at it or threaten to throw it out of the window like last time. I'm not sure how productive I've been today - while I'm getting the masses of work off my desk slowly and steadily I'm still seeing that pile of invoices taunting me while getting higher and higher (in height as in more invoices - not in the state of mind). It's beautiful outside, warm, sunny w/ a slight breeze. There's been some nice jokes and a few secret (hopefully) subtle glances on my part. Not sure if he noticed or not.
Still I've got things on my mind. For some reason they are unshakable and I'm a bit grateful they are not too heavy. Isn't it just a bit too early for heavy thoughts yet? I wish I were at the beach, a nice quiet secluded beach. Bare feet sinking into wet sand, the sound of the ocean crashing on shore, the call of the seagulls, the smell of the salt water. I could figure out my thoughts and worries, my wonderings and what ifs and should I's. I mean really should I?! And if so, how much? To what extent?! Every fiber in my body wants to. yeah... how secretive am I being.... so much. I find that I can really talk to him. About real things and I've found that I feel better, more calm after talking to him. Whether he's got the answer or not. I find myself wanting to hug him - the good strong hugs that mean something.
I can't help but wonder if he knows. If at all? I can't help but wonder what he'd say if I just came out said "So uh... basically I kinda like you..." I wonder.
Thinking of calm and peace and serene - since I'm not at the ocean I have a lovely majestic ocean scene for my desktop and that helps. I find I need that from time to time. To have serenity to look at, I can hear it smell it taste it feel it in my mind's eye. I also find my bedroom to be a place of calm and peace. Something about the colors of the room, the bookshelf stacked w/ books of photos, poets words, my words, pastels, crayons, colored pencils, sketch pad after sketch pad, notebook after notebook, my painted wooden chest with the "grateful" list in it. The tv that is probably older than me sitting in the corner. Something about my room - I can sit on my bed and stare at the thomas kinkade pictures and dream or figure things out or just mellow out. I love that.
I feel certain I had more things to discuss, In fact I'm almost positive I did. It seems to have slipped out the other ear....onto the desk and into the trashcan. I've got nothing left. Just images of the beach and him. that's it. Hmmmmm
Monday, December 22, 2008
Hey Kids
So it's back to the usual Monday morning routine. Wake up enough to get my work done correctly, drink coffee, jam to good music, answer the phones, count down the minutes til lunch time, drink more coffee. The sun is shining and I "think" the wind has lessened just a bit.
We lost power last night - rather strong wind we had. I am so frightened of heavy wind but I had a conversation with God yesterday afternoon. I let him know that yes I'm afraid of it but I don't want to have a panic attack every time it starts blowing. I asked if He could somehow help me to see the beauty in the feel and sound of it instead of the fear I tend to experience. So last night Susan and I are getting ready for a Christmas party and the wind is just howling like a mad animal. Next think the power goes out. Comes back on and then immediately goes back out.
I'd normally start in w/ the panic attack - that's another thing - total darkness....eesh. Not my favorite thing. So we went to the front porch to smoke a ciggie w/ our flashlight and called our friend to see if we could spend the night since we didn't know when the power would be back on and it was supposed to get down to 27 last night. From there we packed our overnight backs w/ the help of a flashlight and high tailed it to the christmas party. That was alot of fun.
Tasty food and good company. And then I shocked myself. Really I did. I got up in front of everybody and sang karaoke all by myself. I kept thinking about it just how I'd thought about the poetry reading months ago. I'm scared to death to do this but I want to prove to myself that I CAN do it. So I got up there and sang "I Think We're Alone Now". I love that song. I held on tightly to my sweater belt with one hand and tapped out the beat w/ my feet. I'm not entirely sure how I sounded but I have to admit it was alot of fun!
Saturday night was another girls night Christmas shindig. That too was fun. It's been forever since I'd seen these ladies. I got to hold April's little baby and she was a doll!!!!! I have to admit I could have held her all night long. She was so cute moving her little leg and eating her rattle.
Beyond that, things are same ol same ol.
Dreamt of Mr. Crush yet again. Sometimes I just want to come out and say okay dude, I like you. I really like you alot. More and more everyday. Because you're so nice and funny. A hardworker, rational, a glass half full kinda guy. you make me laugh and give me sage advice and I feel comfortable being me around you. And I like the idea of holding your hand or hugging you. And so yeah... I kinda like you alot.
Will I say this? I don't know.... if only I could read his mind and see what he thinks of me first....yeah that'd be cool...
And that's it. For now anyway.
Sincerely, Me
So it's back to the usual Monday morning routine. Wake up enough to get my work done correctly, drink coffee, jam to good music, answer the phones, count down the minutes til lunch time, drink more coffee. The sun is shining and I "think" the wind has lessened just a bit.
We lost power last night - rather strong wind we had. I am so frightened of heavy wind but I had a conversation with God yesterday afternoon. I let him know that yes I'm afraid of it but I don't want to have a panic attack every time it starts blowing. I asked if He could somehow help me to see the beauty in the feel and sound of it instead of the fear I tend to experience. So last night Susan and I are getting ready for a Christmas party and the wind is just howling like a mad animal. Next think the power goes out. Comes back on and then immediately goes back out.
I'd normally start in w/ the panic attack - that's another thing - total darkness....eesh. Not my favorite thing. So we went to the front porch to smoke a ciggie w/ our flashlight and called our friend to see if we could spend the night since we didn't know when the power would be back on and it was supposed to get down to 27 last night. From there we packed our overnight backs w/ the help of a flashlight and high tailed it to the christmas party. That was alot of fun.
Tasty food and good company. And then I shocked myself. Really I did. I got up in front of everybody and sang karaoke all by myself. I kept thinking about it just how I'd thought about the poetry reading months ago. I'm scared to death to do this but I want to prove to myself that I CAN do it. So I got up there and sang "I Think We're Alone Now". I love that song. I held on tightly to my sweater belt with one hand and tapped out the beat w/ my feet. I'm not entirely sure how I sounded but I have to admit it was alot of fun!
Saturday night was another girls night Christmas shindig. That too was fun. It's been forever since I'd seen these ladies. I got to hold April's little baby and she was a doll!!!!! I have to admit I could have held her all night long. She was so cute moving her little leg and eating her rattle.
Beyond that, things are same ol same ol.
Dreamt of Mr. Crush yet again. Sometimes I just want to come out and say okay dude, I like you. I really like you alot. More and more everyday. Because you're so nice and funny. A hardworker, rational, a glass half full kinda guy. you make me laugh and give me sage advice and I feel comfortable being me around you. And I like the idea of holding your hand or hugging you. And so yeah... I kinda like you alot.
Will I say this? I don't know.... if only I could read his mind and see what he thinks of me first....yeah that'd be cool...
And that's it. For now anyway.
Sincerely, Me
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Okay okay I get that you want to tell your stories, funny stories of the kids and your husband. But for the love of all that is precious, stop I beg of you stop screaming your stories. I can hear you 2 hallways over just as if you were shouting through a megaphone directly into my ear.
**That is what I'd like to say at this very moment, however I don't want to be rude so I will keep it to the blog and be done with it.**
My mood is mostly fine - I've got some serious classic oldies playing and I'm really diggin that. Tapping my feet under the desk, whispering words to the songs. Doing my very best to stay caught up with this crazy everything was due a year ago week.
I will admit though, today is pretty hectic just as yesterday was. Today I tried to burn some files onto a disk and for the life of me I cannot get it to work. I've tried both drive D and drive E and nothing works and I can't help but wonder if I've turned incredibly stupid over lunch. Who knows....
As I was venting about married man number 1 and my discomfort last night I was told that even though I'd told him no in the first place he didn't seem to get it. And I don't know.... still feels off. I don't want to deal with this - this awkward confrontation. But as they said last night 'it'll chase you down til you breakdown unless you do something about it now'. So I sent out my email this am. Maybe via phone works for some folks but not for me. I get flustered and end up agreeing to buy a pinto or something. I'm that bad. So we'll see what happens. Here's hoping it won't be wierd. Okay so let's get real for a minute. Is it bad that in all honesty I kinda hope he just decides HE doesn't want to talk to me anymore? So I don't have to deal w/ the even though we're just friends I'll still know what he wants to do to me. Is that bad? Not quite sure....
I don't know if this month has been particulary frustrating and overwhelming or if my attitude has changed some. I know someone who I love to talk to all the time about anything and everything but lately I find the conversations to be excruciatingly trying. As if every word I hear is downcast, here's what's wrong w/ the world , the company, the government, let me tell you how bad and evil people are and I know this person has a God complex and so and so will stab you in the back.
Good Grief just throw me in front a bus for all that's worth! Does this mean I've slowly gotten more positive? Does it mean I'm just tired? What's this mean?
I find that now I always argue against the conversation - always always say something back as if to prove that some things have always sucked and may never change but get over it! For the love of God get over it. Live life, do your best GET OVER IT!!!
So onto a happier less venty note......
I so love in a brotherly way my guy friend B. He's grand. He's so nice and funny and I know that if I start crying at work I can find him and he'll hold onto me while I sob on his shoulder then he'll sneak me outside for cigarettes and tell me dumb jokes to make me laugh. I love that we hug each other every single morning and at one time a few folks at work were convinced we were dating when in fact we were not.
I love his hat that he refuses to let me wear. I love that while he can be crazy he is so sage in his advice.
I love my Bible Study ladies. I love that we've gotten to know and grow w/ each other and talk about some of our deepest thoughts. I love the support, honesty, charisma, all of it that we share weekly. I love that if I need advice no holds barred - they'll give it to me. I'm lucky to have met them and to have gotten the chance to know them.
I love that even though it's December if feels mid spring or early fall and it makes me want to drive with the windows open w/ Chicago or some great angsty punk blaring from the stereo. I love that there's this grassy smell to the air when I walk out of the house every morning.
I love that Mr. Crush can pronounce my last night perfectly and that he says it in a teasing way when I have to call him for help on stuff.
And that's it for today as I've gotten a fresh stack of need it immediately work.
Sincerely, Me
**That is what I'd like to say at this very moment, however I don't want to be rude so I will keep it to the blog and be done with it.**
My mood is mostly fine - I've got some serious classic oldies playing and I'm really diggin that. Tapping my feet under the desk, whispering words to the songs. Doing my very best to stay caught up with this crazy everything was due a year ago week.
I will admit though, today is pretty hectic just as yesterday was. Today I tried to burn some files onto a disk and for the life of me I cannot get it to work. I've tried both drive D and drive E and nothing works and I can't help but wonder if I've turned incredibly stupid over lunch. Who knows....
As I was venting about married man number 1 and my discomfort last night I was told that even though I'd told him no in the first place he didn't seem to get it. And I don't know.... still feels off. I don't want to deal with this - this awkward confrontation. But as they said last night 'it'll chase you down til you breakdown unless you do something about it now'. So I sent out my email this am. Maybe via phone works for some folks but not for me. I get flustered and end up agreeing to buy a pinto or something. I'm that bad. So we'll see what happens. Here's hoping it won't be wierd. Okay so let's get real for a minute. Is it bad that in all honesty I kinda hope he just decides HE doesn't want to talk to me anymore? So I don't have to deal w/ the even though we're just friends I'll still know what he wants to do to me. Is that bad? Not quite sure....
I don't know if this month has been particulary frustrating and overwhelming or if my attitude has changed some. I know someone who I love to talk to all the time about anything and everything but lately I find the conversations to be excruciatingly trying. As if every word I hear is downcast, here's what's wrong w/ the world , the company, the government, let me tell you how bad and evil people are and I know this person has a God complex and so and so will stab you in the back.
Good Grief just throw me in front a bus for all that's worth! Does this mean I've slowly gotten more positive? Does it mean I'm just tired? What's this mean?
I find that now I always argue against the conversation - always always say something back as if to prove that some things have always sucked and may never change but get over it! For the love of God get over it. Live life, do your best GET OVER IT!!!
So onto a happier less venty note......
I so love in a brotherly way my guy friend B. He's grand. He's so nice and funny and I know that if I start crying at work I can find him and he'll hold onto me while I sob on his shoulder then he'll sneak me outside for cigarettes and tell me dumb jokes to make me laugh. I love that we hug each other every single morning and at one time a few folks at work were convinced we were dating when in fact we were not.
I love his hat that he refuses to let me wear. I love that while he can be crazy he is so sage in his advice.
I love my Bible Study ladies. I love that we've gotten to know and grow w/ each other and talk about some of our deepest thoughts. I love the support, honesty, charisma, all of it that we share weekly. I love that if I need advice no holds barred - they'll give it to me. I'm lucky to have met them and to have gotten the chance to know them.
I love that even though it's December if feels mid spring or early fall and it makes me want to drive with the windows open w/ Chicago or some great angsty punk blaring from the stereo. I love that there's this grassy smell to the air when I walk out of the house every morning.
I love that Mr. Crush can pronounce my last night perfectly and that he says it in a teasing way when I have to call him for help on stuff.
And that's it for today as I've gotten a fresh stack of need it immediately work.
Sincerely, Me
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Censor! that's the word i was looking for earlier when I was writing my first blog.
Due to some misinterpretations I had an inkling of a want to censor my words. Perhaps not write the things that I write about. I talked this over w/ Susan and she said 'heck no! you write what you want to write. That's part of you. It's no dif than sensoring your tattoos which would be crazy."
So while I may still watch my words around certain folks I will not censor my words. My words are what I use for catharsis - for emotional peace - for the times I need to talk and can't seem to make my voice work.
I'm tapped - that's all I've got.
Sincerely, Me
Due to some misinterpretations I had an inkling of a want to censor my words. Perhaps not write the things that I write about. I talked this over w/ Susan and she said 'heck no! you write what you want to write. That's part of you. It's no dif than sensoring your tattoos which would be crazy."
So while I may still watch my words around certain folks I will not censor my words. My words are what I use for catharsis - for emotional peace - for the times I need to talk and can't seem to make my voice work.
I'm tapped - that's all I've got.
Sincerely, Me
Turbulence Day 1
Okay so here's the thing:
I'm starting over, fresh page, new leaf etc and so on.
Partly because I'm weaving a web of avoidance because I don't quite yet know what to do with somethings that have taken place over the past week. Partly because I feel as if I have somehow woven a huge nasty web of miscommunication and misunderstanding.
So I'm starting over.
I've been getting some rather awkward attention in the past week. Okay it's not only awkward, it's uncomfortable and it makes me mad. The one - I may have misled the situation though after telling the entire entire leaving nothing out story I've been told I did nothing wrong and I should not be ashamed. I should stop thinking I did something wrong and that it is okay to change my mind or feel not right about it even a day later. That's how I work - I need a day to think things through and after the conversation the day later I woke up with a knot in my stomach that told me somethings not quite right.
So now I've got some "what's your intent" questioning to do. And I want to avoid it altogether because it's scary.
Two days later I get a proposition of the oh so inappropriate kind. Took me a good hour to really get that he was serious. Now everyday I scour the hallways going from my desk to the copy room, to the stairwell to basically everywhere because I don't want him to see me or look at me or anything. And I really hate that because we used to have great conversations, or so I thought. And that really burns my buttons.
And hey guess what? The very freakin next day I start talking w/ someone who I've followed his blogs and he mine. And it was fun and cool and then the talk starts turning. Turning to flirting w/ intent and yes he too is married. And I am mad.
What is going on that 3 men in one week are hitting on me? Dude, I want guys to think I'm pretty and cool, but I want it to be right. I'm wondering why all of a sudden this is happening - have I said or done anything to give off the wrong impression? I don't think I have.
Needless to say I want to crawl under a rock and hide from this uncomfortable knot forming attention. Because it's out there now - the intent, the words, the thoughts. It's out there and it can't be taken back.
I have managed to crash the home computer and let me tell you - it's toast. I mean absolute needs to be rebuilt toast. And again, no clue how I managed that one.
Christmas is just next week and I cannot afford to get gifts for anyone. I had wanted to help out some out of town family and then I did it again - I messed up my acct and it's toast.
I'm so frustrated I could sit down and cry. And the thing that gets me is that in the long run this isn't a big deal. I know it's not and I know I can manage butI'm tired and stressed out and I just want to kick something. And scream. And smoke alot.
So all last night I was talking w/ God about this. I've never been great at praying so I just started talking - along of the lines of Dude.... I mean God... I could really use your help and here's why. And last night as I was lying in bed thinking about the what ifs I decided I should find things I'm thankful for. So I dug out my notebook and scrawled about 5 things I'm truly grateful for no matter what my finances are like, no matter how much I weigh, how hectic work is, how much I want to yell "how dare you proposition me like that?!". And I slept better than I had in days. I think I'll do this nightly.
Sometimes I need reminders of the good things in this crazy time of uncertainty and economic unrest.
So this is it, my new leaf. Remembering the good things in life, not touching the money I have set aside because there's nothing I need right now. Paying more attention to my words. While me and my close friends get my words, not everyone does and I'd rather not have the awkward misunderstandings. Remembering the things I like so much about my Mr. Crush. Not just the good looks - they are nice... - but the fact that I can be ME around him and not feel dumb. The great corny jokes we share several times a day. The fact that when I have a bad day, seeing his smile, hearing his sage advice, thinking of a hug from him seem to make things bearable.
So that's my new leaf.
Sincerely, Me
I'm starting over, fresh page, new leaf etc and so on.
Partly because I'm weaving a web of avoidance because I don't quite yet know what to do with somethings that have taken place over the past week. Partly because I feel as if I have somehow woven a huge nasty web of miscommunication and misunderstanding.
So I'm starting over.
I've been getting some rather awkward attention in the past week. Okay it's not only awkward, it's uncomfortable and it makes me mad. The one - I may have misled the situation though after telling the entire entire leaving nothing out story I've been told I did nothing wrong and I should not be ashamed. I should stop thinking I did something wrong and that it is okay to change my mind or feel not right about it even a day later. That's how I work - I need a day to think things through and after the conversation the day later I woke up with a knot in my stomach that told me somethings not quite right.
So now I've got some "what's your intent" questioning to do. And I want to avoid it altogether because it's scary.
Two days later I get a proposition of the oh so inappropriate kind. Took me a good hour to really get that he was serious. Now everyday I scour the hallways going from my desk to the copy room, to the stairwell to basically everywhere because I don't want him to see me or look at me or anything. And I really hate that because we used to have great conversations, or so I thought. And that really burns my buttons.
And hey guess what? The very freakin next day I start talking w/ someone who I've followed his blogs and he mine. And it was fun and cool and then the talk starts turning. Turning to flirting w/ intent and yes he too is married. And I am mad.
What is going on that 3 men in one week are hitting on me? Dude, I want guys to think I'm pretty and cool, but I want it to be right. I'm wondering why all of a sudden this is happening - have I said or done anything to give off the wrong impression? I don't think I have.
Needless to say I want to crawl under a rock and hide from this uncomfortable knot forming attention. Because it's out there now - the intent, the words, the thoughts. It's out there and it can't be taken back.
I have managed to crash the home computer and let me tell you - it's toast. I mean absolute needs to be rebuilt toast. And again, no clue how I managed that one.
Christmas is just next week and I cannot afford to get gifts for anyone. I had wanted to help out some out of town family and then I did it again - I messed up my acct and it's toast.
I'm so frustrated I could sit down and cry. And the thing that gets me is that in the long run this isn't a big deal. I know it's not and I know I can manage butI'm tired and stressed out and I just want to kick something. And scream. And smoke alot.
So all last night I was talking w/ God about this. I've never been great at praying so I just started talking - along of the lines of Dude.... I mean God... I could really use your help and here's why. And last night as I was lying in bed thinking about the what ifs I decided I should find things I'm thankful for. So I dug out my notebook and scrawled about 5 things I'm truly grateful for no matter what my finances are like, no matter how much I weigh, how hectic work is, how much I want to yell "how dare you proposition me like that?!". And I slept better than I had in days. I think I'll do this nightly.
Sometimes I need reminders of the good things in this crazy time of uncertainty and economic unrest.
So this is it, my new leaf. Remembering the good things in life, not touching the money I have set aside because there's nothing I need right now. Paying more attention to my words. While me and my close friends get my words, not everyone does and I'd rather not have the awkward misunderstandings. Remembering the things I like so much about my Mr. Crush. Not just the good looks - they are nice... - but the fact that I can be ME around him and not feel dumb. The great corny jokes we share several times a day. The fact that when I have a bad day, seeing his smile, hearing his sage advice, thinking of a hug from him seem to make things bearable.
So that's my new leaf.
Sincerely, Me
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