Turbulence Day 1

Okay so here's the thing:
I'm starting over, fresh page, new leaf etc and so on.
Partly because I'm weaving a web of avoidance because I don't quite yet know what to do with somethings that have taken place over the past week. Partly because I feel as if I have somehow woven a huge nasty web of miscommunication and misunderstanding.
So I'm starting over.

I've been getting some rather awkward attention in the past week. Okay it's not only awkward, it's uncomfortable and it makes me mad. The one - I may have misled the situation though after telling the entire entire leaving nothing out story I've been told I did nothing wrong and I should not be ashamed. I should stop thinking I did something wrong and that it is okay to change my mind or feel not right about it even a day later. That's how I work - I need a day to think things through and after the conversation the day later I woke up with a knot in my stomach that told me somethings not quite right.
So now I've got some "what's your intent" questioning to do. And I want to avoid it altogether because it's scary.
Two days later I get a proposition of the oh so inappropriate kind. Took me a good hour to really get that he was serious. Now everyday I scour the hallways going from my desk to the copy room, to the stairwell to basically everywhere because I don't want him to see me or look at me or anything. And I really hate that because we used to have great conversations, or so I thought. And that really burns my buttons.
And hey guess what? The very freakin next day I start talking w/ someone who I've followed his blogs and he mine. And it was fun and cool and then the talk starts turning. Turning to flirting w/ intent and yes he too is married. And I am mad.
What is going on that 3 men in one week are hitting on me? Dude, I want guys to think I'm pretty and cool, but I want it to be right. I'm wondering why all of a sudden this is happening - have I said or done anything to give off the wrong impression? I don't think I have.
Needless to say I want to crawl under a rock and hide from this uncomfortable knot forming attention. Because it's out there now - the intent, the words, the thoughts. It's out there and it can't be taken back.

I have managed to crash the home computer and let me tell you - it's toast. I mean absolute needs to be rebuilt toast. And again, no clue how I managed that one.

Christmas is just next week and I cannot afford to get gifts for anyone. I had wanted to help out some out of town family and then I did it again - I messed up my acct and it's toast.

I'm so frustrated I could sit down and cry. And the thing that gets me is that in the long run this isn't a big deal. I know it's not and I know I can manage butI'm tired and stressed out and I just want to kick something. And scream. And smoke alot.

So all last night I was talking w/ God about this. I've never been great at praying so I just started talking - along of the lines of Dude.... I mean God... I could really use your help and here's why. And last night as I was lying in bed thinking about the what ifs I decided I should find things I'm thankful for. So I dug out my notebook and scrawled about 5 things I'm truly grateful for no matter what my finances are like, no matter how much I weigh, how hectic work is, how much I want to yell "how dare you proposition me like that?!". And I slept better than I had in days. I think I'll do this nightly.
Sometimes I need reminders of the good things in this crazy time of uncertainty and economic unrest.

So this is it, my new leaf. Remembering the good things in life, not touching the money I have set aside because there's nothing I need right now. Paying more attention to my words. While me and my close friends get my words, not everyone does and I'd rather not have the awkward misunderstandings. Remembering the things I like so much about my Mr. Crush. Not just the good looks - they are nice... - but the fact that I can be ME around him and not feel dumb. The great corny jokes we share several times a day. The fact that when I have a bad day, seeing his smile, hearing his sage advice, thinking of a hug from him seem to make things bearable.

So that's my new leaf.

Sincerely, Me