Spent a very relaxing few days with my sister and our parents. Got the laundry done - FINALLY.... started a new book and even though I still cannot figure out how to fix the computer that I crashed I still didn't curse at it or threaten to throw it out of the window like last time. I'm not sure how productive I've been today - while I'm getting the masses of work off my desk slowly and steadily I'm still seeing that pile of invoices taunting me while getting higher and higher (in height as in more invoices - not in the state of mind). It's beautiful outside, warm, sunny w/ a slight breeze. There's been some nice jokes and a few secret (hopefully) subtle glances on my part. Not sure if he noticed or not.
Still I've got things on my mind. For some reason they are unshakable and I'm a bit grateful they are not too heavy. Isn't it just a bit too early for heavy thoughts yet? I wish I were at the beach, a nice quiet secluded beach. Bare feet sinking into wet sand, the sound of the ocean crashing on shore, the call of the seagulls, the smell of the salt water. I could figure out my thoughts and worries, my wonderings and what ifs and should I's. I mean really should I?! And if so, how much? To what extent?! Every fiber in my body wants to. yeah... how secretive am I being.... so much. I find that I can really talk to him. About real things and I've found that I feel better, more calm after talking to him. Whether he's got the answer or not. I find myself wanting to hug him - the good strong hugs that mean something.
I can't help but wonder if he knows. If at all? I can't help but wonder what he'd say if I just came out said "So uh... basically I kinda like you..." I wonder.
Thinking of calm and peace and serene - since I'm not at the ocean I have a lovely majestic ocean scene for my desktop and that helps. I find I need that from time to time. To have serenity to look at, I can hear it smell it taste it feel it in my mind's eye. I also find my bedroom to be a place of calm and peace. Something about the colors of the room, the bookshelf stacked w/ books of photos, poets words, my words, pastels, crayons, colored pencils, sketch pad after sketch pad, notebook after notebook, my painted wooden chest with the "grateful" list in it. The tv that is probably older than me sitting in the corner. Something about my room - I can sit on my bed and stare at the thomas kinkade pictures and dream or figure things out or just mellow out. I love that.
I feel certain I had more things to discuss, In fact I'm almost positive I did. It seems to have slipped out the other ear....onto the desk and into the trashcan. I've got nothing left. Just images of the beach and him. that's it. Hmmmmm
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