I love it when I come across an old poem I'd written, when it makes sense to me and when I can still remember the mindframe I was in when writing it.

Self




Demure

Alluring

Impressive

She tries yet it doesn’t come out right

Awkward

Silly

Wrong words spilling out of her mouth

Blushing

Lowered gaze

Wishing she could start over

Wishing somehow

She could mix together

Her true self

Jumping off the pages

As she does

Rambling incessantly of inconsequential things

Decked out in comfort

Faded jeans and dirty vans

Curiosity taking over so many times

And more than likely causing embarrassment

Giggling like a child

And cursing like a sailor

Yet somehow

It doesn’t amount to

Anything resembling

The ethereal beauties

That graces the pages

Of every magazine

The slender goddesses in most

Every man’s mind

Try as she might

She will never be that woman

And every day

She is more and more

Confident

That she would rather be herself

No matter how strange or crude

Instead of a paper thin

Apparition.



BeB

8/14/08


I love to write, always have yet some how for some reason I cannot think of anything of note to write.....since I don't I'll go with 2 things:

1) I am working on a new drawing series that I'm feeling pretty excited about. I call it "Out of Control".
It symbolizes what I think 'feeling out of control' looks like depending on the situation. Each situation could vary from hugely out of control to small daily simple things. Either way feeling out of control sucks and since it's been that kind of month I decided to put it on paper.

2) I'm reading the greatest book ever.... about the megalodon shark and this sucker is huger than huge... 57 feet long and 64,000 lbs. Pretty cool......

Bold

I'm working on this 'being bold even if I am terrified and shy' thing.
Twice in one week so far!!!!

I have no clue how either will turn out however I'm proud of the steps.

On another note - it's cloudy gray and cool outside. I want to go outside and play, walk in the park w/ my camera, converse w/ a great conversationalist over coffee and work on my latest drawing.
Alas that all has to wait...... sigh....

Today is foggy and cloudy and I'm loving it - feels perfect right now.
Loving My Morning Jacket's - One Big Holiday
thinking of new tshirt ideas and drawing concepts
lovely daydreams playing out in my head.
Its' not Friday yet.....

sketches

The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Thinking about a friend......

Backwards Series (original art by me)

I finished my art series and posted Saturday night. I am quite proud of how they turned out.

Sunday morning we discovered a vulture on our roof. I've never seen one up close and personal before. Creepy - especially when they turn their ugly heads to stare at you.
The mocking bird went up a notch in my opinion when it started nose diving the vulture.

1) I finally am starting to get my next art series onto paper. I worked on 2 drawings at lunch.





2) I am really considering with in the next month or so setting up a facebook fan page for my art.

3) I have my rental car but I really miss MY car and want it back so soon. One of the tires seems to have had low pressure (rental) since I picked it up - as the little light came on in the dash the other morning. A pal of mine added more air but fears it may be a slow leak. I hope to God it's not, that it'll be fine and I won't have to go and do one more thing in the process of car fixes and rentals. Oh i miss my car so much.

I am almost finished w/ my Backwards art series. I have maybe 5 or 6 more drawings that need some paint and slight editting but then I'll have completed it! I'm very excited about it. I know I'm just posting it on FB or on here but to me, it's my very first art SERIES. I have no idea what anyone will think of it and i don't much care. I'm just pleased about it's progress and the idea around it.

I have an idea for a new series though I can't quite say what it is yet as I'm still in the early early stages. I'm a bit excited for this one as I can just see it in my head already.

Looks like rain is on the move (probably will get it all right as we leave work) and I suppose that is okay, we do need the rain.

I still find myself pondering picasso's minotaur series. I don't know a great deal about the reasoning behind the art though I've got a saved page so I can peruse when I get time.
I don't know why, I just find it captures my attention.

As found here: http://www.moma.org/collection

Picasso: Variations and Themes
March 28–September 30, 2010
The mythical Minotaur—part man, part bull—was Picasso's alter ego in the 1930s and part of a broader exploration of Classicism that persisted in his work for many years. The Minotaur was also emblematic for Surrealists, who saw it as the personification of forbidden desires. For Picasso it expressed complex emotions at a time of personal turmoil. The Minotaur symbolized lasciviousness, violence, guilt, and despair.

I know that pedestrians have the right of way, but I feel as if there should be an addendum that states that pedestrians should NOT walk behind a car that is in reverse... and then give out dirty looks..... just a thought.

I'm having a day where I have my thoughts and ideas but they're not really going to make sense 'on paper' so there's that....

I am grateful for:
family
friends
nice breezes
the smell of salty ocean air
my vans and airwalks
art and the ability to create it and appreciate it
shark books and documentaries
good music
the comedy radio station on itunes
my health and body parts
the smell of fresh laundry and towels
laughter and dumb jokes
many more things

I love hoops and yoyo
I love Pon and Zi






I'm glad it's friday and I really hope to make a major dent in my art project this weekend. Maybe I'll even finish it!!!

Today has been a very strange day. Stuck in traffic as usual though I did have The Sounds to listen to so that was nice.
Got hit by a car who ran her red light an intersection before my work place.
Luckily (thank you God!) no one was injured and as far as I can tell no major damage.
Definite shaking hands and as i was waiting for the policemen to do their thing I asked if it was okay to smoke if I stayed in the car. He smiled and said yeah. So i had two.... w/ shaking hands.

I have a birthday coming up and it's just a number even if it is a milestone number.
I do hope i get that peanut butter chocolate pie that i love so so much!!!

I am starting a new drawing series that I am calling 'Backwards'. I was drawing last night - really just messing around w/ some ideas I'd been trying to work out and BLAMMO! something cool made it to paper. So I'm really excited and I am just so ready to start working on it this weekend. I finished the painting portion of another interesting drawing that will be scanned tonight. I am impressed w/ the turn out.

Sincerely Me

I remember a line in that movie 28 days that goes something like this:
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I seem to be insane…..I don’t know how to do it any other way (yes I’m being vague and no it’s not dirty) yet the way I’m doing it now is going down that road of ‘not working’.
I end up w/ the same confused mixed emotions and later on down the line thinking what did I do wrong? How could I have done this differently?
I don’t know. Am I supposed to just sit around and wait?
Am I supposed to make it happen?
I don’t know and that fact in itself really pisses me off.
Feeling rather clueless more often than not these days.
Seems to me I’ve messed up that aspect yet again – it’s this feeling I can’t quite shake.
I don’t know how to turn it around or even find out if I have in fact messed it up or if I’m just a paranoid freak.

I spent a good part of an hour at lunch drawing erasing drawing erasing and back and forth and so on. I have nothing to show for it.
I have this idea yet I cannot get it out on paper.

I know I should be overall a good person, to love selflessly, to be overall nice and good and Christian and right now I’m having a hard time of it.
I want to kick someone or something. Really hard.
This week in particular I find myself judging a great deal and I know I shouldn’t – it’s not my job to judge and I certainly don’t want to be judged but I’m doing it still.

This week is just hard....

Ever feel like you've got alot to say but can't seem to get the words to come out?

That feeling seems to be following me like a storm cloud.



Friday my grandparents were in town so we headed off to my parents for dinner. As I had expected, I did get that "So does he (sister's boyfriend) have a brother for beth?" I knew I'd hear it as I hear it everytime they are in town.

Since I'm so incredibly tired of feeling as if I have to defend myself for being single, I just lied and said, oh I'm seeing someone. At that point my sister jumped in and brought the conversation around to something else. God bless her.

I'm sure that's part of their 'job' as relatives but I hate hearing it. I've heard it all before.

I am well aware of my single status. Generally speaking it doesn't bother me - I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reason. Been there done that.

Don't get me wrong, there are certain things I sure do miss. Hand holding, that look you get from the boyfriend, all that stuff. I miss that; however I refuse to settle for less.

I have an idea of what I want and I know for a fact what I do not want. I think that is perfectly okay.

Seems to me that relatives don't always understand that concept.



I found myself Friday late night pouring through my bible and notes looking for words of inspiration. I have been told this is a good thing to do and at times it has worked quite well.

Friday however proved extremely frustrating as I couldn't quite find the words that 'spoke' to me.

After smoking w/ my sister and 'venting' over my frustration, the words I needed just popped into my head. BAM!!!! funny how that turns out. Have faith, He has a plan for you even if you don't yet know what it is.

Sunday the sermon seemed to focus very much on that topic. Again, funny how that works out. I needed to hear it.



The rest of the weekend was me working on art ideas - I have come up w/ some interesting ideas that I'd really like to try out. I finished one yesterday and I hope I don't sound too egotistical when I say I am very impressed with it.




I've had this strange and disturbing recurring dream that while it's extremely vivid in my mind I cannot describe it in words. I hope to draw it out. Since it is a recurring dream I can't help but wonder if there is any signifigance in it.



I never did get around to spring cleaning and goodwill but i did manage a load of dishes and laundry and even took the trash out. Go me........
The rest of the weekend I spent working on some drawings and relaxing.





I find that when my mood seems to be decent but edging towards irritable it helps to listen to anything by Kate Bush. She is fantastic.

1. It's Friday! I am this close to the weekend. I love weekends because I can wear baggy pj's all weekend if I want to. I can take naps in between chores. I can be on my own schedule. I have every intention of cleaning out the guestroom/spring cleaning and taking some stuff to the goodwill.
2. I'm currently hooked to two songs: Fascination by La Roux and Time Won't Let Me Go by The Bravery.
3. I have a jar of baby dill pickles on my desk.
4. I very much like my wrists. I'm not sure why.
5. I keep coming across various versions of this quote: go for what you want, don't let fear hold you back, don't let that be a regret later in life. I very much like that and I try to remember that everyday. Sometimes though, something as simple as a coffee invite is downright terrifying yet the thought of never knowing what that answer would be is equally terrifying.

That's all I've got

Today is today…. Not bad not overly fantastic.
Just today….
The music however is great: Shiny Toy Guns: Rainy Monday.

Sleep wasn’t my friend last night and I ended up getting out of bed at 4:15am and working on a drawing. I'm nearly finished with it but I'm so excited about it I am posting a portion of it now.



Last night's chicken tacos were the bees knees. So tasty.
For part of an early b/d present my friend gave me among other cool things a stress ball shaped as a gray shark. I’ve named him Bliskett and he now lives on my desk.

I'm not entirely sure I have anything intelligent to say today.
My mind seems to be somewhere else dreaming of photos to take, drawings to draw, swinging on swingsets etc and so forth.

I watched Raging Sharks last night. It was so bad it should have hurt. You know it's a bad film when a SHARK movie starts off w/ two aliens gurbling alien languages and shooting cold fusion crystals into the earth's atmostphere; or when the sharks literally growl like lions. It was so so bad.......

postsecret.com had some wonderful secrets today.
I like this tidbit of advice I found posted today:

Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks.

-anonymous-

Things that pretty much rock:

Me getting tacos for dinner

interesting vampire drawing ideas - 1/2 done... kind of....

my gray cardigan that I sometimes wear to work but looks much better w/ faded jeans and a vintage tshirt.

my vintage gray care bears tshirt

lemon cheesecake chapstick that my sister makes.

a particular punky edgy look

interesting and fabulous photographs of converse. I love converse and I love these photos. I've had these photos (found on photobucket of course) saved for years now. I just think something so simple is just ingenious.





My all time favorite converse photo ever ever ever:



A collage I put together mixed w/ photos I found and some photos I took myself:

Manic Monday

There is tiredness in the air along with rain and humidity.

I blame 2 things: this weather. It makes me want to curl up on the couch with a good movie or curl up for a nap. Waking up at 2:30 am and having a hell of a time getting back to sleep.



I'm contemplating a line written by a fellow art blogger:

We are all sitting underneath the very same night sky.

It's a powerful line if you really think about it. We're all looking at the same moon, the same sky.

No matter what differences, joys, sadnesses, problems we all may have, we have that one thing in common. It's powerful to me.



Saturday was the vampire movie marathon on SyFy. All week I was filled with excitement for this. I was rather disappointed. Granted, the first movie, The Dark Prince - Story of Vlad Dracula was really interesting and I admit I enjoyed that one a great deal. If there's any truth to the story, I don't really see how he was that awful of a person. Yes he was incredibly brutal in battle. So was Willilam Wallace. Yet he was avenging his family. He was lifting the Turkish oppression off of Romania. You do what you have to do in those situations. I find his story rather fascinating in fact and would love to research it a great deal.



Sunday was thunderstorms - nothing awful and horrific, just that perfect afternoon thundershower. Rumbles of thunder and rain. those I like. Perfect for oversized pajamas, a good movie on tv (yesterday was Bridge to Terebithia) and drawings. I finished one drawing that I'm rather fond of in it's humorous state.



I've also pulled out an abstract I'd started back in April and am working on the colors again. I feel much better about the progress this time around.

I have also found that when it comes to 'crush' if I send musings and ramblings there will be no response however if I send direct questions I will get a response. That has to be a guy thing....
I can't help but wonder what he'd say if I asked him out for coffee. I don't believe I've gotten enough nerve yet to do so.

I've come across some fantastic 'rock opera' music by Nightwish that I feel the whole world should listen to. It's amazing. It's indescribable. I love it.

My last note is this: no matter where you are, what time of day it is whether it's in the middle of the pastor's sermon, church announcements, or 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon: Have some freakin common courtesy. It's very hard to focus on the sermon and get something out of it when the people behind you talk nearly the whole time. It's rather annoying when someone parks at the neighbors' house keeping the music on w/ that bass so loud it shakes your house windows (especially when you're trying to nap). Common courtesy people - try it!!!!

009 Sound System - "Speak to Angels"

You know how no one can "prove" the Loch Ness Monster really exists? Why not, when the next sighting occurs, someone jump right in the water and then they can really see what it is. And if that person comes back up alive and not eaten, then we'll have proof. OR maybe it'll really jump out of the water to catch the new food - the person that jumped in. While very risky, I think it's worth persuing.

Thursday Things

I love this commercial; it cracks me up and sadly enough.... on a smaller scale as a smoker I have felt that way.



Today is a good day for a things that are awesome and make me happy kind of day.
Punk music - today it's Warped Tour 2003 - Glasswar - NOFX
Tattoos - fleshly decoration.
movies that make you laugh so hard you literally spit your drink out of your nose.
drawing, creating alternative scenes and universes, and montsters...





Pants that fit and flow.
The Syfy Vampire Movie marathon this coming Saturday - I just can barely contain my excitement.

All books by SARK